Bibi Zainab (a.s)

Dark Nights

'twas a dark night.
sounds barely noticeable,
became louder than one can bare.
the ticking of the clock,
the gushing of the wind,
the sound of my own breathing,
became suffocating.
my grip on the blanket loosened,
as suddenly,
everything became silent.

- silencereveals

Illahi

Illahi,
there's nothing hidden from you. You are aware of the current state of my heart and mind.
You see my daily battles, you hear the unspoken words of my wishes and gratitude.
I wanted to say - I trust you.
I believe in you Ya Rabb.
If there's tears in my eyes now, you will make them glisten with happiness.
If there are sounds of sobbing from my mouth now, you will turn them into echos of laughter.
You have a plan, and I believe in it.
I'm waiting Allah; show me a miracle and change everything.
Make me happy illahi, make me happy.

I believe in you.

- silencereveals

Please... Don't

'Please...don't... I beg you get off!' she cried.
He ignored her and smiled, was it too late to hide?
For despite her screams, despite her hot tears,
He stole her innocence and became one of her most biggest fears.
He pinned her down with his mountain like arms,
Powerless and submissive, she digged her nails in her palms.
Blood had been shed from more places that one,
What changed her whole life, was for him a bit of fun.
She walked home shameful with her head held low,
She stood under the shower, no one must know.
She dragged her feet to her once comfortable bed.
Stained like tall roses with thorns dripping with red.
She closed her eyes and became submissive to the night,
Her nails clenched in her palms and her heart squeezed tight.
- silencereveals

The Dream Wedding (I wrote this in parts)

I stood nervously as the ladies in the closed room did their 'security checks' by patting me down. Seeing I'm clear, they let me through. Walking with my mum on one side and my soon to be mother in law on the other, I fiddled with my fingers nervously as we made our way to Bainul Haramain.
Cladded in a cream Iraqi abaya (awkwardly standing out from every other woman there wearing black) I zoned out on the conversations around me between my mum and my soon to be in-laws.

Soon to be in-laws? Oh my god this is too real! I'm actually getting married!

We got to the place closer to Imam Hussain's shrine, where my Baba and uncle were standing with the men of my new family. The maulana was there too. And so was one other person, who I didn't dare look up to. I was too nervous. But nervous in a good way. Does that even make sense?
We sat seperatly and (despite the constant tingling in my stomach) after some dua's and promises, I was now married to the man sitting near me. Yet again, I didn't dare to look up at him.

My mother in law (yes I could call her that now) embraced me in a hug, welcoming me to the family. My mum and other women in my family did the same, giving me duas and blessings for my new life.
"Beta, come and speak to your husband. You have to pray together too".

I looked up at him, a dozen questions in my mind.

"He is happy right? No second thoughts or anything? Do I look good? Damn I knew I should've worn  the white netted socks instead! Wait, what am I going to say to him?"

Nervously I looked up, meeting with an unusual pair of green eyes fixated on me. I let my eyes dart around the face. Brown beard, smile on lips and cute nose. Perfect.
I looked back at him to see him now smirking a little. Yup, I got caught staring!

"Assalamu Alaikum" he said, the now-turned smile never leaving his lips.
I replied to him along with a small smile of my own.
"MashAllah, I know this sounds cliche, but you look absolutely breathtaking!

Cliche my cotton socks! He better stop talking ASAP 'cause my legs are pretty much resembling a plate of jelly right now.

"Jazakallah Khair" I managed to reply. Not knowing where to look, I set my eyes on the clear buttons of his thobe.
Well ain't this the dream! Looking at the buttons and not at him. Smooth girl, real smooth...

I stiffened at the sudden contact of his hand on mine. He laced our fingers and turned slightly to face the shrine of Hazrat e Abbas. Aware that our families were watching, I felt extremely shy.

"Do you know something? I've always seen Hazrat e Abbas as an inspiration. His respect for women, love for his family and kids. I aspire to follow his steps in life In Sha Allah. Standing here right now I promise you, I'll do my best to keep you happy and give you the love and respect you deserve. I'm wife-ing you not just for this world hayati, but in the other too".

Feeling my cheeks warm up and eyes a tad watery, I gave our laced hands a soft squeeze. I had no idea what to say to that, and looking at the reassuring smile on my husband's face and the sparkle in his eyes, I didn't need to; for that single gesture held many emotions and unspoken promises. A promise he made on the day of our Nikkah on the land of Karbala -
I was his hayati, his life, for both this world and the other.

- silencereveals

The Night Begins...

I stared at the ceiling, my eyes and mind eagerly searching for tonight's thought.
The ceiling was white and...plain. 'My room needs a serious redecoration' I thought.
There! Found it! Now I just need to focus on the topic.
I like rooms with light pink walls and a good view from the window. Maybe the sea, or a lake. Water's a pretty good view.
'Yeah, its good for drowning too!'
NO! Must stay on topic.
I'd have a large bookshelf of my favourite books and maybe I'd have my own book wishlist in the corner. I'd read love stories and fantasise over the idea of having someone to love you.
'Cause books give you a glimpse of the life you can never have'.
Shush! Please, no...!
Characters in books are better then you'll ever be. They're perfect with great bodies and brains, and they have loads of friends. What do you have?
I'm pretty! And yeah, I maybe slightly over weight but that doesn't mean I'm not beautiful. I do have one friend who is way better than a thousand friends combined!
She's probably your friend by pity. You're own parents don't like you.
No...Please just stop, I beg you!
You're worthless. You're ugly. You're dumb. No one can ever love you. Ever!

My shoulders shake violently as I try to hush the sound of my pain moulding into tears. Wetness travelled my cheeks as I lay in bed, quietly succumbing to defeat.
Worthless, ugly, dumb, unloved.
Gripping onto my blanket, drowning in a pool of my tears.
The night begins...

- silencereveals

Welcome

Hi. Welcome to my mind, and if you're lucky, you can even explore a small piece of my heart.
This is my world, where dreams will forever remain dreams.
It is the place where wishes get slaughtered miserably.
Oh, don't walk over there. That place is strictly forbidden you see.
*whispers*  It's where desires burn over and over. If you have good hearing, you can hear the screamssss.

Now if you come over here I'll show you the deadliest part. This is like the connecting piece of a puzzle;
only it connects my heart and my mind together.
And when it does, oh you do not want to see that! A tsunami comes, in the form of an attempt to cleanse my thoughts. Sometimes successful, most of the times not.
Maybe if you look closely in my eyes one day, you'll see the tsunami in a different form.

So as I was saying, this place is called 'What If's'. Here is where my mind comes up with a few dozen of thoughts that may not even happen, but forces its opinion on my heart; making the poor red, blood pumping thing deceive me completely by losing control over everything.
What If's is controlled by anxiety so you wouldn't want go to deep inside.

Uhh I think I covered all places right? Or am I missing something? Oh, where are the happy sections you ask?
Well I must clear that, this place is my own and personal hell, created to purify any happy thoughts and transform them into something sad and depressing and dark. Heavenly thoughts, happiness is a great feeling thoughts, are gravely restricted!

I hope you enjoyed the tour. I hope you heard the screams and cries (both loud and muffled) of everything that could prove to be even the smallest possibility of ever being happy. My mind is a very dark place people.  A very unhappy place. If you're mind is full of happy thoughts and roses, you should be thankful. If a tsunami of tears never approaches your eyes, be grateful.
And for those with their own personal hell's like mine, there's no escape..
©silencereveals